I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
