I accidentally burped into my bong.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Randomize
