Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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