im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
