so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
