You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
