Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
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Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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