My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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