I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
