He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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