you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
