i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
