Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
