You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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