Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Randomize
