There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
