In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I miss vodka workout Fridays
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
