This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
