i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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