So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Ketchup is God's man juice
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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