So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
