This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
