Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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