i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
