My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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