sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I feel like death gave me a hand job
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
