Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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