You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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