The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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