I think I am morally bankrupt
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
