dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
