I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?