Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.