How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
