Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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