I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
How's work?
Spinning.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
