I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
