My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
