You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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