I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
