Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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