I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
