So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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