Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
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