so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
