I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
