i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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