i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
