I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
