it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...