Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
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he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
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What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.