all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights