I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
