my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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