Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
