Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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