I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
