He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Drunk is a universal language darling
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
