Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
