It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Randomize
