Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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