I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
