im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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