I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
