wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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