your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
